Back to the 70s,,, 1570s that is
by imdeadsothere
Summary: In the time of arranged marriages Harry and Ron would rather just make out and not care. T for suggestiveness and I think some language. SLASH. ONE-SHOT.


Somehow the wizarding world had reverted back to the Middle Ages. Not like literally, as in, they'd all gone back in time to the Middle Ages, but more like they took the Middle Ages and brought them forward in time adjusting them slightly for the current world but not much. One of the things it had done though, was the old fashioned "you have absolutely no choice as to who you marry it's all up to your dad." Though the moms were usually a pretty strong force, they just worked behind the curtains. Also strong women were considered bad, but fortunately the male testosterone had relinquished itself enough so women were still allowed to be educated, and they could still work, just not in positions of authority. Which believe it or not, did not piss people off as much as it should have. Certainly the woman who had previously been in positions of authority were ticked off, but that was just about it. Well, them and Hermione. And everything Hermione tried to do about it just made her situation worse.

Fortunately for her, her parents totally did not believe in arranged marriages, but since the wizards now strictly did, it pretty much limited all of her options for potential partners to muggle boys. Though Mrs. Weasley was trying to help her out some. Looking to find men who wouldn't mind Hermione, unfortunately there were none. Ron was in equally bad luck, with a bad financial situation already, no parents wanted to give their daughter to him, except for ones who were worse off, and they weren't exactly very pleasant. Harry on the other hand was having NO trouble. Proposals came in by the dozens. And of course as Hermione tried to fight this whole new regime of crazy, word got around that she was a 'strong woman' and even less guys wanted her. Needless to say she (and Ron) felt like crap. Harry wasn't much help either, he tried to cheer them up, but since his life so far was going perfectly fine (ignoring the whole Voldemort thing), he kind of failed at the whole comforting thing. Except that things weren't going as perfectly for him as some might think.

"You know Hermione, maybe if you primped yourself up a bit," Harry suggested.

"Oh shut up Harry," Hermione grumbled, not needing to be reminded.

"I'm just saying, it might help, maybe just a little. It certainly couldn't hurt at least."

"Thanks Harry, but I'm fine," Hermione said.

"How come you get all the hot girls?" Ron grumbled, flipping through the stack of new marriage proposals, "I mean seriously, look at these babes, and you don't even like girls," Ron grumbled.

"You know I'd give them to you if I could," Harry replied.

"Well, can I at least keep the pictures?"

"Ew, Ron, what on earth are you going to do with them?" Hermione said.

"Um, look at them?"

"Come on Ron," Harry said, "we all know you're going to jack off to them."

"Thanks a lot Harry, because I really needed that image in my head," Hermione grumbled.

"Hey, you suggested it first," Harry replied.

"Hey Harry, here's a guy!" Ron said.

"What?" Harry looked up.

"One of these proposals, it's a guy."

"Lemme see," Harry said, snatching the paper from Ron. He scanned over it quickly.

"Ew," he said, tossing it over his shoulder.

"Why? What's wrong?" Hermione asked, grabbing the discarded paper.

"Read it," Harry replied. Hermione scanned over it.

"That is ew," she said.

"Why? What is it?"

"Parents prostituting their son just so they can claim relation to Harry Potter," Hermione said.

"Is it too much to ask for someone that I can genuinely love?" Harry grumbled, leaning back and laying on the ground.

"Is it too much to ask for someone?" Ron replied.

"Yes, it is, it's a fucked up world boys."

"I love it when you cuss," Harry said, "so hot."

"You're gay," Hermione reminded him.

"I know, doesn't mean that hearing you cuss can't turn me on."

"You're not turned on," Ron said.

"Ron, what the hell were you looking at to know that I wasn't turned on?"

"Your bulge," Ron replied nonchalantly.

"You know, maybe girls would want you more if you acted less gay," Hermione said. Ron stuck out his tongue at her. "And childish," she added.

Ron picked up another one of Harry's pile of marriage proposals.

"This is so bullshit," he grumbled, tossing it back onto the pile and setting them all on fire.

"Just don't burn the carpet," Hermione said.

"I thought you wanted the pictures," Harry said.

"Not any more."

"Good, they were probably all creeps anyway," Hermione said.

"But seriously, what the bloody hell are we going to do?"

"Die?" Hermione suggested.

"Oh, I know!" Harry said.

"What?" Ron asked.

"I'll marry Ron, Ron can marry Hermione, and Hermione can marry me."

"Harry, it worries me what goes on in your head," Hermione noted.

"Hey, it's a good plan."

"It is, if it would work."

"You'd willingly marry yourself to Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Technically, he'd marry himself to me, I'd be marrying myself to you, so I could still feign some straight-ness."

"Exactly, see why it's the perfect plan?" Harry said.

"You're both insane," Hermione grumbled.

"The whole fucking world's insane," Ron replied, "nowadays, we're status quo."

"What if we all just marry someone we hate and spend our entire marriage cheating on them?" Harry suggested.

"Aside from the fact that that's incredibly mean," Hermione said.

"What? I'm just saying, besides, it's not like they'd find out. And any girl who ends up with me would probably be happy just to be called my wife that she wouldn't care if I slept around."

"Yeah, and you could always pull some, 'you're my only woman' bullshit, because technically, it'd be true, considering that all the people you'd be sleeping with would be men."

"Remind me not to marry either of you," Hermione grumbled.

"But you have to, what about our group marriage thing? You can't leave me alone with Harry, he'd rape me."

"What makes you think that I'd rape you?" Harry asked.

"Sexual tension."

"But still…"

"And you'd be drunk."

"Why would I be drunk? You know I don't drink."

"I dunno, couldn't possibly be because I spiked all of your drinks with booze."

"Except that then it wouldn't be rape, because you'd be willing."

"Who says I'd be willing?"

"Well if you're going to spike my drinks enough in the hopes that I'll fuck you, I'd say that's pretty willing."

"What if I did it by accident?"

"How do you spike someone's drink by accident?"

"I dunno, I'll have to figure that out."

"Yeah, but you'd still be willing. Besides, even drunk why would I screw you?"

"Because I'd be lying on a bed of lettuce completely naked," Ron replied.

"Ron, you worry me sometimes," Harry said.

"Good, I'm hoping to scare you away so that you won't rape me."

"So wait, that whole talk about how you're going to make me rape you was part of your plan to make me not want to rape you?"

"Pretty much," Ron replied.

"Ron, there's this thing called logic which you clearly don't have," Hermione replied.

"Shuddup 'Mione," Ron replied.

"You know, if you really want to fuck all you have to do is ask," Harry said. Ron made a face.

"Yeah, and I can join you and we can have a threesome," Hermione said sarcastically.

"I am really glad my mom can't hear us right now," Ron said nonchalantly.

"Yeah Ron, especially you, imagine what would happen when mommy found out that her precious boy wasn't straight," Harry said.

"I am too straight," Ron replied.

"Technically, you're half straight," Hermione replied.

"So my mom would only get half as mad," Ron said.

"Last I checked though, bisexual was connected to gay as for being just as bad," Harry said.

"Which is really fucking stupid," Ron noted.

"You two are quite possibly the strangest men I have ever met," Hermione said casually.

"Hell yes!" Harry cheered.

"Hermione, d'you remember what time the adults are leaving?" Ron asked suddenly.

"They're leaving in an hour, at six," Hermione replied, "and they'll all be returning at nine."

"Oh good, that leaves three hours."

"I take it I'm going to have to go lock myself in my room from six to nine and pretend I can't hear anything."

"Pretty much," Harry said.

"Try to keep it down a little," Hermione said, "I still think the neighbors heard you last time."

"Oh come on, we're not that loud," Ron said.

"Trust me, you are," Hermione said. "It usually reminds me of my pathetic love life."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Harry said, it was actually genuine.

"You can join us if you want," Ron said.

"No thanks, really not interested in joining your sexcapade, the whole friends with benefits thing really doesn't appeal to me."

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Harry said.


End file.
